I have always wanted to be a mom. I remember when I was little I would stuff a blanket up my shirt so I looked "pregnant", the baby would magically appear (if only that was how it really worked!), and I would have so much fun pretending to be "mommy" to my baby dolls. When John and I got married I knew that parenting was definitely something we wanted to do, but I wasn't ready to jump into that right away, and I truly do value the almost four years we spent just the two of us.
I have blogged before about how I was longing to be a mom but didn't think that the timing was right. But God proved once again that my timing is not always his. After reading the positive pregnancy test and feeling scared, then nervous, I ultimately felt ecstatic. I cannot lie and say that I instantly felt a bond to my unborn child. I thankfully wasn't that sick during the first trimester, and it wasn't until my belly started visibly growing and I started feeling movement that my pregnancy began to feel real. Once we found out we were having a little girl things changed even more because we were able to start calling her by her name and picking out a bunch of cute girly things in preparation for her arrival.
Once Kaylee was born, it is probably needless to say our lives changed forever. Holding her in my arms felt so right. She fit perfectly in them. Nursing her has been one of the most rewarding experiences, and the bond I have made with her through that is hard to put in words. I love teaching her how to be a little human, watching her grow, experiencing everything around her. I love hearing her laugh, watching her face light up with the biggest smile when her daddy walks into a room, and to see her sleeping peacefully in her bassinet. I have a few reference books for babies that I do check every now and then, but being a mom feels like second nature and truly makes me feel at peace. I used to tell John I only wanted two children, but now I feel like at least three would be nice (I might be singing a different tune after two children, but we will see).
But then I am out in public, and I see teenage girls and young women, and it terrifies me to raise a girl in the current culture we live in. I know it is going to be really hard to stick with our Christian values and show Kaylee the importance of them.
I remember the day we brought Kaylee home from the hospital. It was rush hour in Lexington on Nicholasville Road, and people were driving crazy. I never before saw John so stressed out and angry at the way people were driving, and I felt the same way. I still feel the strong urge to have our car wrapped to clearly advertise we have a baby in the car so that people will maybe, just maybe, think twice about driving so horribly. I totally understand the Baby-On-Board stickers now.
My worries are only going to get worse as she gets older, I realize this. I can hardly watch the news now and hear stories about children being kidnapped and abused. I am afraid that as she grows she will not like me and might rebel. Only time will tell, and even though I know worrying about these things won't necessarily change the future, but I do it any way.
For now, I really enjoy being a mommy and the peace it truly brings.
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| Looking too cool in our shades! |
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